I recently decided to "upgrade" my life by purchasing a high-end, touch-screen smart toaster.
It promised "perfectly artisanal results," but I quickly realized I wasn’t smart enough to own it.
Last Tuesday, at 6:00 AM, I was stumbling around the kitchen in a pre-caffeine fog.
I popped in a bagel and poked at the glowing screen.
Apparently, I didn't select "Bagel"—I accidentally initiated some sort of high-intensity cleaning cycle or "factory reset" mode.
The toaster didn't start browning. Instead, it:
Locked the bagel inside like a high-security vault.
Started emitting a low, rhythmic humming sound, similar to a spaceship powering up.
Displayed a countdown timer that said: "Optimizing... 12:00 minutes remaining."
I stood there, staring at my trapped breakfast. I tried unplugging it.
When I plugged it back in, the screen flickered to life and smugly resumed the countdown: "Resuming Optimization... 11:58."
It had a memory. It was committed to the bit.
I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, eating a handful of dry cereal, watching a $200 appliance "optimize" my bagel into a charcoal puck.
When the timer finally hit zero, the toaster chimed a cheerful, melodic tune and ejected the bagel with such force that it hit the ceiling.
Technology is great, but sometimes a metal box with a spring and a lever is all the "innovation" a person needs before their first cup of coffee.
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